Well, we made it. We arrived on Saturday after a very long trip with a lot of stress and emotions, got everything unloaded, and started trying to get some things setup on Sunday. As we were walking through WalMart Sunday morning, my back seized up (I have severe back trouble), to the point where I had to go sit down until we could leave. I was in a lot of pain and trying to rest when later that day, things went from bad to serious:
I started coughing up blood, a significant amount of it. I felt faint and had to lie down, and the paramedics were called. After examining me and checking my vitals, they said I was okay in the immediate sense, but that I needed to go to the University Hospital as soon as possible to get checked out. I decided to stay in bed and rest, but then around 1am Sunday night, I went to use the restroom and found the toilet filled with blood. I freaked completely out, and rode 45 minutes to the University Hospital ER. The blood continued to come, and I was admitted into the hospital. Many tests were scheduled, and I lost so much blood, I had to receive three units. I was terrified.
It turns out, I had contracted dysentery somehow. For most people, this would be a simple case of food poisioning that you'd get over on your own in a few days. For me, because I have a severely compromised immune system, caused me to start bleeding internally, and threatening my life.
I was in the hospital a day or so more as I was pumped full of IV antibiotics and blood. I'm home now and things seem back to normal physically so far, but I've discovered something new:
I am absolutely terrified of what I consume now. Although several people think it was the raw sushi I ate before the trip, and you know, maybe it was - but I don't know that for sure. I honestly don't know what it is I ate that caused this. I am experiencing a huge amount of anxiety and fear because of what has happened. I'm hyperfocused on the concept of death and I can't shake it.
Doctors told me I can't ever eat sushi or anything less than well cooked meat anymore, and I am going to listen - although it was hard to hear, I do admit. I am weird about the water I drink, the food I consume, and the cleanliness of bathroom habits - all good things to be conscientious about of course, but in my head I feel like I am taking it to a phobic extreme.
I honestly don't know what to do at this point. Clearly I need to talk to someone about it, but because of the move, I have to wait for my insurance to update because I did have to change plans. I am leery of any medication I take, because I've been having panic attacks after taking certain medications, the kind where you feel like you are acutally dying, the REAL kind, not the slang kind that most people jokingly refer to. This is scary shit.
I feel weak and defensless in a way I never have before. Vulnerable and I don't feel like anyone can appreciate where I am coming from. I am feeling very alone in this - I feel like I am going crazy. I just keep hoping that as time goes on that this fear loosens its grip on me.
As an aside, when they did the CAT scan on me at the hospital, they also found a huge cyst on my left ovary that they advised I need to have looked at immediately as well, which is also freaking me the fuck out. I am just really worried about my health right now and I am having a hard time adjusting to all the newness of everything, the culture shock of being in a new place and everything being unfamiliar. I am doing what I can to remain calm about everything, but I admit I am really struggling right now.
More soon.
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