Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This was a wonderful story that kept me interested to the very last page - the lush details of the North Carolina swamp and marshlands was amazing and very educational. A strong tale about a girl surviving on her own in an unforgiving world.

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Welcome to Missouri

 Well, we made it. We arrived on Saturday after a very long trip with a lot of stress and emotions, got everything unloaded, and started trying to get some things setup on Sunday. As we were walking through WalMart Sunday morning, my back seized up (I have severe back trouble), to the point where I had to go sit down until we could leave. I was in a lot of pain and trying to rest when later that day, things went from bad to serious:

I started coughing up blood, a significant amount of it. I felt faint and had to lie down, and the paramedics were called. After examining me and checking my vitals, they said I was okay in the immediate sense, but that I needed to go to the University Hospital as soon as possible to get checked out. I decided to stay in bed and rest, but then around 1am Sunday night, I went to use the restroom and found the toilet filled with blood. I freaked completely out, and rode 45 minutes to the University Hospital ER. The blood continued to come, and I was admitted into the hospital. Many tests were scheduled, and I lost so much blood, I had to receive three units. I was terrified.

It turns out, I had contracted dysentery somehow. For most people, this would be a simple case of food poisioning that you'd get over on your own in a few days. For me, because I have a severely compromised immune system, caused me to start bleeding internally, and threatening my life.

I was in the hospital a day or so more as I was pumped full of IV antibiotics and blood. I'm home now and things seem back to normal physically so far, but I've discovered something new:

I am absolutely terrified of what I consume now. Although several people think it was the raw sushi I ate before the trip, and you know, maybe it was - but I don't know that for sure. I honestly don't know what it is I ate that caused this. I am experiencing a huge amount of anxiety and fear because of what has happened. I'm hyperfocused on the concept of death and I can't shake it. 

Doctors told me I can't ever eat sushi or anything less than well cooked meat anymore, and I am going to listen - although it was hard to hear, I do admit. I am weird about the water I drink, the food I consume, and the cleanliness of bathroom habits - all good things to be conscientious about of course, but in my head I feel like I am taking it to a phobic extreme. 

I honestly don't know what to do at this point. Clearly I need to talk to someone about it, but because of the move, I have to wait for my insurance to update because I did have to change plans. I am leery of any medication I take, because I've been having panic attacks after taking certain medications, the kind where you feel like you are acutally dying, the REAL kind, not the slang kind that most people jokingly refer to. This is scary shit. 

I feel weak and defensless in a way I never have before. Vulnerable and I don't feel like anyone can appreciate where I am coming from. I am feeling very alone in this - I feel like I am going crazy. I just keep hoping that as time goes on that this fear loosens its grip on me.

As an aside, when they did the CAT scan on me at the hospital, they also found a huge cyst on my left ovary that they advised I need to have looked at immediately as well, which is also freaking me the fuck out. I am just really worried about my health right now and I am having a hard time adjusting to all the newness of everything, the culture shock of being in a new place and everything being unfamiliar. I am doing what I can to remain calm about everything, but I admit I am really struggling right now.

More soon.

 Well hello!

It's been a few minutes, and I'll start off with apologizing for that - the bad news came hard and fast in February and it's been a whirlwind of activity and emotions since then. Now, I'm back to give you the update:

I'm moving out of Texas in two days! An old friend has invited me to move to Missouri and I've spent the last few weeks selling furniture and packing up again. To move. AGAIN. 😡

Readers of this blog are already aware of the nightmare I went through a mere 8 months before to get everything moved from one apartment to another, and now it's happening all over again.

Have I mentioned before how much I hate moving? This time is going to be easier in some ways, and much more difficult in others. Most all the furniture we've accumulated over the last 18 years has either been sold, or will be left behind. My friends are coming down with a large GMC pickup truck and the big cargo trailer you can rent from UHaul. They are leaving to head down here tomorrow morning. 

I'm happy to be getting out of Texas finally. I've been unhappy here for a long time. I'm chronically ill and have a lot of pain management issues and I smoke cannabis to help me with pain. Fortunately this will no longer be an issue for me in Missouri, where not only is it recreationally legal, it will be very easy for me to a get a patient's card as well as a growers card so I can grow my own at home, too.

I'm worried about the cats on this trip - none of the three of them have ever been in a carrier for that amount of time and it's a really long drive like 13 hours, so I am definitely concerned about how they are going to handle it. 

Am I going to miss Texas? Well sure I will. I'm a native Texan, and even more importantly I'm a native Houstonian. I am proud of being from here. My family goes back many generations here. Unfortunately, due to the job climate and other issues regarding laws and choices are becoming increasingly more oppressive and it's no longer viable for me to be here, financially or healthwise.

I'm moving from the 4th largest city in the USA to a small town with less than 1000 people. I am more than okay with this! Even five years ago I'd have protested to be out of the city, but nowadays, I just want some peace and quiet! I want to go back to the country and enjoy nature. 

So that's basically the gist of it: Moving to Missouri in two days and I'm terrified and excited at the same time. I'll post again once we've arrived.

The last few days have been rough. Losing Tony was hard enough on it's own, but I got some additional bad news as well as an unfortunate event that has left me in the midst of some very heavy duty anxiety and depression. Due to my health further declining (that's as much detail as I'm willing to give right now), I am going to be tendering my resignation at my job today. I am really upset to have to give this job up altogether - I was really hoping and trying to make it work so that I could continue to work as a disabled person, but it was not meant to be. At the time of this writing, I have not told them yet, but will be having a meeting with my manager later this morning and will break the news then.

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Two hours later:

I had the meeting and they were so kind. They are going to take the steps necessary to make sure I'm rehire eligible, so I'm really grateful for that. It's a good company, and I will definitely miss my job there.

In other news, I've been spending a huge amount of time on the Neebs Gaming Discord server, and met some nice people and we've started trying out a couple of games together. I really need that in my life right now, so yeah - and especially being other members of the Neebs Gaming community makes it even better. 

I'm going to do some resting up because working the last few months has been very hard on me physically as well as mentally so I'm due for a rest. 

For now, I'm gonna grab some food and meet back up with my gaming friends - see ya soon.

Long Live the Wyvern King

I just found out the news that Tony "Thick44" Schnur has lost his battle with cancer. I can't even begin to express the grief and shock I am feeling right now. Neebs Gaming has been a really big part of my life for several years, and one of my goals is to attend one of their live events someday. I have laughed with these guys and they have gotten me through some really dark times. Thick44, aka the Wyvenrn King, was a gifted and talented person who gave so much entertainment to the world and it is definitely a sadder place without him in it. I've been having a lot of trouble with depression and anxiety recently and finding this out in the midst of it is pretty unbearable right now. My heart goes out to Tony's family and the Neebs Gaming family because I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this is for them.

I posted six videos to my YouTube channel, and while I'm proud of it, I've also learned a few things: 1. It's a lot of fun 2. It's very complicated. 3. It's something I'll return to off and on, but it's not my passion. Passion. Is it necessary to have a passion in life? I've been thinking a great deal about that lately. So I've started doing a little research, watched some TedTalks and some other YouTube vids, and I started learning more about what a passion is and more importantly, what it is not. When I start thinking about the things I enjoy the most and what I keep going back to, things like reading, video gaming, science fiction, fantasy, spiritual growth - and I decided to follow some advice based on the research I've done and started revisiting some of these things that I love so much and try to find what other things relate to them and go even further. Right now, I've been lead back to languages and linguistics. So of course, back to the interwebs to do more research and maybe take a couple of free online courses and see where that leaves me. If I seem vague here, it's on purpose. Hope your endeavors in life are going well. Till next time!

I finally got over myself and posted some videos to my gaming channel on YouTube! I don't even care if anyone watches them (not true) or not, I'm just really psyched that I finally started. I've posted four videos in the past two days, and I've got a lot of ideas for new videos, too! I'd be honored if you'd go check it out - if you like and subscribe it would be a huge help to me, so thanks in advance. If you have any ideas for gaming videos you'd like to see, I'm definitely open to recommendations! Here's the link PamIAm Gaming If you're reading this, thank you!!