Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This was a wonderful story that kept me interested to the very last page - the lush details of the North Carolina swamp and marshlands was amazing and very educational. A strong tale about a girl surviving on her own in an unforgiving world.

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Welcome to Missouri

 Well, we made it. We arrived on Saturday after a very long trip with a lot of stress and emotions, got everything unloaded, and started trying to get some things setup on Sunday. As we were walking through WalMart Sunday morning, my back seized up (I have severe back trouble), to the point where I had to go sit down until we could leave. I was in a lot of pain and trying to rest when later that day, things went from bad to serious:

I started coughing up blood, a significant amount of it. I felt faint and had to lie down, and the paramedics were called. After examining me and checking my vitals, they said I was okay in the immediate sense, but that I needed to go to the University Hospital as soon as possible to get checked out. I decided to stay in bed and rest, but then around 1am Sunday night, I went to use the restroom and found the toilet filled with blood. I freaked completely out, and rode 45 minutes to the University Hospital ER. The blood continued to come, and I was admitted into the hospital. Many tests were scheduled, and I lost so much blood, I had to receive three units. I was terrified.

It turns out, I had contracted dysentery somehow. For most people, this would be a simple case of food poisioning that you'd get over on your own in a few days. For me, because I have a severely compromised immune system, caused me to start bleeding internally, and threatening my life.

I was in the hospital a day or so more as I was pumped full of IV antibiotics and blood. I'm home now and things seem back to normal physically so far, but I've discovered something new:

I am absolutely terrified of what I consume now. Although several people think it was the raw sushi I ate before the trip, and you know, maybe it was - but I don't know that for sure. I honestly don't know what it is I ate that caused this. I am experiencing a huge amount of anxiety and fear because of what has happened. I'm hyperfocused on the concept of death and I can't shake it. 

Doctors told me I can't ever eat sushi or anything less than well cooked meat anymore, and I am going to listen - although it was hard to hear, I do admit. I am weird about the water I drink, the food I consume, and the cleanliness of bathroom habits - all good things to be conscientious about of course, but in my head I feel like I am taking it to a phobic extreme. 

I honestly don't know what to do at this point. Clearly I need to talk to someone about it, but because of the move, I have to wait for my insurance to update because I did have to change plans. I am leery of any medication I take, because I've been having panic attacks after taking certain medications, the kind where you feel like you are acutally dying, the REAL kind, not the slang kind that most people jokingly refer to. This is scary shit. 

I feel weak and defensless in a way I never have before. Vulnerable and I don't feel like anyone can appreciate where I am coming from. I am feeling very alone in this - I feel like I am going crazy. I just keep hoping that as time goes on that this fear loosens its grip on me.

As an aside, when they did the CAT scan on me at the hospital, they also found a huge cyst on my left ovary that they advised I need to have looked at immediately as well, which is also freaking me the fuck out. I am just really worried about my health right now and I am having a hard time adjusting to all the newness of everything, the culture shock of being in a new place and everything being unfamiliar. I am doing what I can to remain calm about everything, but I admit I am really struggling right now.

More soon.

 Well hello!

It's been a few minutes, and I'll start off with apologizing for that - the bad news came hard and fast in February and it's been a whirlwind of activity and emotions since then. Now, I'm back to give you the update:

I'm moving out of Texas in two days! An old friend has invited me to move to Missouri and I've spent the last few weeks selling furniture and packing up again. To move. AGAIN. 😡

Readers of this blog are already aware of the nightmare I went through a mere 8 months before to get everything moved from one apartment to another, and now it's happening all over again.

Have I mentioned before how much I hate moving? This time is going to be easier in some ways, and much more difficult in others. Most all the furniture we've accumulated over the last 18 years has either been sold, or will be left behind. My friends are coming down with a large GMC pickup truck and the big cargo trailer you can rent from UHaul. They are leaving to head down here tomorrow morning. 

I'm happy to be getting out of Texas finally. I've been unhappy here for a long time. I'm chronically ill and have a lot of pain management issues and I smoke cannabis to help me with pain. Fortunately this will no longer be an issue for me in Missouri, where not only is it recreationally legal, it will be very easy for me to a get a patient's card as well as a growers card so I can grow my own at home, too.

I'm worried about the cats on this trip - none of the three of them have ever been in a carrier for that amount of time and it's a really long drive like 13 hours, so I am definitely concerned about how they are going to handle it. 

Am I going to miss Texas? Well sure I will. I'm a native Texan, and even more importantly I'm a native Houstonian. I am proud of being from here. My family goes back many generations here. Unfortunately, due to the job climate and other issues regarding laws and choices are becoming increasingly more oppressive and it's no longer viable for me to be here, financially or healthwise.

I'm moving from the 4th largest city in the USA to a small town with less than 1000 people. I am more than okay with this! Even five years ago I'd have protested to be out of the city, but nowadays, I just want some peace and quiet! I want to go back to the country and enjoy nature. 

So that's basically the gist of it: Moving to Missouri in two days and I'm terrified and excited at the same time. I'll post again once we've arrived.

The last few days have been rough. Losing Tony was hard enough on it's own, but I got some additional bad news as well as an unfortunate event that has left me in the midst of some very heavy duty anxiety and depression. Due to my health further declining (that's as much detail as I'm willing to give right now), I am going to be tendering my resignation at my job today. I am really upset to have to give this job up altogether - I was really hoping and trying to make it work so that I could continue to work as a disabled person, but it was not meant to be. At the time of this writing, I have not told them yet, but will be having a meeting with my manager later this morning and will break the news then.

--------------------

Two hours later:

I had the meeting and they were so kind. They are going to take the steps necessary to make sure I'm rehire eligible, so I'm really grateful for that. It's a good company, and I will definitely miss my job there.

In other news, I've been spending a huge amount of time on the Neebs Gaming Discord server, and met some nice people and we've started trying out a couple of games together. I really need that in my life right now, so yeah - and especially being other members of the Neebs Gaming community makes it even better. 

I'm going to do some resting up because working the last few months has been very hard on me physically as well as mentally so I'm due for a rest. 

For now, I'm gonna grab some food and meet back up with my gaming friends - see ya soon.

Long Live the Wyvern King

I just found out the news that Tony "Thick44" Schnur has lost his battle with cancer. I can't even begin to express the grief and shock I am feeling right now. Neebs Gaming has been a really big part of my life for several years, and one of my goals is to attend one of their live events someday. I have laughed with these guys and they have gotten me through some really dark times. Thick44, aka the Wyvenrn King, was a gifted and talented person who gave so much entertainment to the world and it is definitely a sadder place without him in it. I've been having a lot of trouble with depression and anxiety recently and finding this out in the midst of it is pretty unbearable right now. My heart goes out to Tony's family and the Neebs Gaming family because I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this is for them.

I posted six videos to my YouTube channel, and while I'm proud of it, I've also learned a few things: 1. It's a lot of fun 2. It's very complicated. 3. It's something I'll return to off and on, but it's not my passion. Passion. Is it necessary to have a passion in life? I've been thinking a great deal about that lately. So I've started doing a little research, watched some TedTalks and some other YouTube vids, and I started learning more about what a passion is and more importantly, what it is not. When I start thinking about the things I enjoy the most and what I keep going back to, things like reading, video gaming, science fiction, fantasy, spiritual growth - and I decided to follow some advice based on the research I've done and started revisiting some of these things that I love so much and try to find what other things relate to them and go even further. Right now, I've been lead back to languages and linguistics. So of course, back to the interwebs to do more research and maybe take a couple of free online courses and see where that leaves me. If I seem vague here, it's on purpose. Hope your endeavors in life are going well. Till next time!

I finally got over myself and posted some videos to my gaming channel on YouTube! I don't even care if anyone watches them (not true) or not, I'm just really psyched that I finally started. I've posted four videos in the past two days, and I've got a lot of ideas for new videos, too! I'd be honored if you'd go check it out - if you like and subscribe it would be a huge help to me, so thanks in advance. If you have any ideas for gaming videos you'd like to see, I'm definitely open to recommendations! Here's the link PamIAm Gaming If you're reading this, thank you!!

A little over a week into the new year - the road is a little rocky right now, but nothing I can't handle. I've been making a serious return to my religious beliefs and have been rededicating myself to my faith. I have called myself Pagan for many years, but my true roots are bound in Wicca and I've been working towards returning to those roots recently. The Tarot is speaking its truth as always, and I'm glad to have pulled my head out of the sand and started listening again. You can't keep doing the same things and expect anything to change. I've made a few "test videos" for the gaming channel, but the results are so disapointing that I don't have the courage to post any of them yet. I'm also starting to realize that the scope of what I wanted to acheive is pretty demanding and I need to move a little slower. In other news, I'm getting closer to my goal of a vehicle in 2023. It's so easy to get bogged down in everyday life and lose sight of your goals. I'm trying hard not to fall back into that pattern. I've also had some meetings with the higher ups at work and have made some positive changes to my work schedule - reducing my hours a bit will hopefully alleviate some of the anxiety I've been up against lately. Let's take a moment here to talk about books - I finally finished Stephen King's Fairy Tale and WOW what a great read! An amazing fantasy tale with a great plot and an exciting adventure that includes a lot of mystery - so much so that it left me wanting to learn much more about this new world that SK has created here. I highly recommend this book!

Hope everyone had a wonderful Yule and a great christmas! It was okay here, nothing spectacular. I went to a friends house for a Yule celebration which was nice - christmas day I mostly just watched tv and played some video games. We had some issues with internet outages on the 23rd and 24th which messed up my work schedule, but things seem to be back to normal now so I should be able to return to work today with no issues. I don't expect it to be very busy, but you never know! This is the traditional time of year when everyone starts talking about doing a new years' resolution, so I started thinking about what things I'd like to accomplish or improve for the new year, and so far I have a few ideas: The number one goal I'd like to accomplish is to finally put PamIAm Gaming on the map! I've started teaching myself how to use OBS Studio, and after finding a couple of very outstanding YouTube video tutorials, I managed to record a short test video and it turned out pretty good - the sound is a bit muffled, but I'm sure I can find out how to resolve that as well. My next big challege here is to learn some basic editing skills, and get the first video uploaded to my channel.

In other goals, I want to get a vehicle this coming year. I want to spend more time with friends, and maybe do a little travelling. Nothing too over ambitious, but a few good things to work on. I hope things are going well in your world and as always, feel free to drop a comment or send me an email with your thoughts or ideas.

People have asked me about my Tarot cards over the years. I purchased this deck in my early 30s, and I have it now to this day. It's old, and full of hard truths. I'm the only person who has ever read from it. I used to do a lot of readings back when I was younger, it was sort of a "parlor trick" I guess you could say, folks are always psyched to have you do a spread for them - who doesn't want to hear all about themselves, right? I started noticing almost immediately that it seemed to have an uncanny accuracy, especially when I was doing a spread for someone I felt a bond towards. After a pretty bad breakup around that time, I did a spread for myself and it was blindingly, painfully, accurate. I thought about it for quite awhile, and decided to put my Tarot cards down because the truth was just too frightening to know. Well, I recently felt a desperate need for guidance, and reached out to a good friend to see about getting a reading done. No sooner did I ask than the fates started conspiriring against me to block me from doing it and I started feeling this drive, urge, whatever you want to call it, to pick my deck back up. When the Gods have something to say, ignore it at your own peril. I'm listening.

Billy Summers - Stephen King Book Review

Billy Summers by Stephen King
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Stephen King is one of those authors that can tell a story about almost anything and make it an amazing page turner! Billy Summers is one of those books that aren't my usual type of story, but I found it enthralling, exciting, funny, and sad as well. Definitely worth the read.

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 I just finished Matthew Perry's book, here's my quick review

Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Matthew Perry is not only a talented actor, but he is also a wonderful writer. Getting the chance to delve into a behind the scenes look at his rise to fame and his difficulties with addiction has been a sobering read, with alot of honesty and love. I highly recommend this.

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 I'm coming at the world today with some real talk and some real questions. I'd like to talk about the human skill that is trusting your own judgement. Do you constantly second guess yourself and your decisions? Do you have trouble making a definitive decision about something, and then sticking to it? Well friend, if this sounds like you, take heart - because it's me, too. 

I know I have several mental illnessess that impair my thinking and judgement. Therefore, I question and judge myself on every single thing I say or do. Not only is it mentally and physically exhausting, it's also dangerous and failure inducing. 

So, what do you do? Platitudes aside, seriously now - how do you stop doing that? 

 So the holiday season has begun, right? I got the day off paid, so that's pretty cool - didn't do much, stayed home, ate some ham, roasted some veg, heated up a pie. I worked mostly and it's going well, no big complaints, interesting work, nice people for the most part, so not much to report there.

I've been thinking alot about life lately, and even now in my 50s, I can still learn new perspectives and change my own view on myself as well as others and I think that's how you grow. "So I've got that going for me, which is nice." - Carl Spackler😉

I like that I go through phases of my moods in music - I also love how easy it is nowadays to have the luxury of having the exact music you want to hear at all times instantly. When I was a kid, one of my absolute favorite hobbies was listening to the radio and capturing my favorite songs on my cassette recorder so I could listen to what I wanted to without money. I used to have a whole collection I'd made over the years, and a spiral notebook that I had catalogued each tape in and what songs were on each, along with artist info, and any other details I wanted to add. Fun times. What am I listening to right now? Currently, "Baby Come Back" by Player, and you're welcome to check it out for yourselves: Player - Baby Come Back

 Not a whole lot to report right now, work is going alright, daily life is less challenging at the moment, and I'm just trying to get into the new routine. Doing some upgrades on my room and work environment, but as most things, it will take time.

I'm trying to focus more on my close friends and staying in contact on a regular basis. I want them to know I care about what's going on in their lives too. I just want to get into a daily routine of work, rest, and peace of mind. 

Things are looking up

 As I sit here typing this, I'm currently in a training class for a new position I landed at my job. Same company, different department - along with a pay raise, and I gotta tell you - the difference is like night and day! Everyone is super nice and welcoming, the tools are completely different and there's so many resources available. The other position was alright, but this new opportunity is interesting, fun, and I'm having a great time learning everything.
The house is unpacked - and it looks pretty decent! I really like my new space here, the only thing I'm lacking is a good bed. I'm not a stranger to second hand, so if you're in my area and have an old bed you don't want anymore, I'd be glad to take it off your hands, lol

Other than that, it's moved on til the next day and its 44 degrees in Houston, Texas - got a hot cup of tea next to me and I'm about to log on for another day 

Peace, my friends.

 It's been a few days.... I've been working a lot, unpacking boxes, and trying to get things into some sort of coherent order. 

 My friend John's son Jordan came and helped Tom move the rest of the furniture. They finished around 4pm so it appears that after 100 minor disasters and 8 or 10 major disasters, we might have most of our stuff.

So, it's all here. We ate pizza and passed out around 7:30 last night - now its a little after 5am and I'm up and drinking coffee, getting ready for work. Training is over so I can just log on, take my calls and not have to worry about looking good or being on video or any meetings and I am here for it.

 So now I was just informed that the people that were supposed to help move the furniture have bailed out. Now I'm expected to do it and I am just utterly fucked. My only fucking day off and forget getting to rest I am so mad about this move and I'm angry and I want to blame people. 

I was also just informed that my desk won't be coming to the new place, because it's been destroyed now too. So I guess I get to do my job with no desk. Great.

 So we made it to Friday morning. I'm having such a hard time keeping my anxiety at bay, and was accused yesterday of "looking for things to worry about". Wow. The biggest thing I think, is feeling this way and not being able to shake it, and knowing that if I reach out, I'm told stuff like that so what's the point? Then I just spiral back down into it. I've been leaning HARD on a technique that Navy Seals use called "box breathing". It's so simple but it does seem to help. The Balance app on my phone is also a life saver for me in these situations, so if you struggle the way I do, I recommend giving some of these ideas a try yourself.

The furniture? Yeah, it's still at the old apartment. We have kept the Uhaul for two more days but I am running out of money, ya'll, and I still need to make rent for Nov. 1st. 

Work is its own separate bullshit deal right now - the actual taking of calls is nothing, super easy - it's just all the other crap you have to deal with, I'm trying to hang on. I'm hoping on my one day off tomorrow that Tom can get a couple of people to help with the damned furniture. I'm sick of thinking and worrying about this shit. 

Work calls in about fifteen so I gotta go get that last cigarette in. 

More later.